A few thoughts about parenting

I just spent the last three nights finished reading a book called P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training amidst the loss of energy, temper and interest to move on. I started out looking for solutions and guidance from the book and ended up with a clear horizon to identify my problems instead. Once a while we heard people saying "This is not a problem if it doesn't come with a solution." Yes and no. By and large, an effective solution comes from a sensible and accurate identification of problem in the first place. I strongly recommend this book to all parents, parents-to-be or anyone who wants to communicate in a beloved circle.

Parents at different stages with kids of different ages will find different focuses of this book somewhat useful in parenting. I want to come up with a take-away list unique to "my moment" - being a first-time full-time round-the-clock mom for a 21-month-old daughter - and to keep reminding myself from time to time how important it is to carry these principles under my arms at all times when I am about to derail.

#1, Appearing as a side-order of the book, this comes to me as a grand wake-up call. My primary relationship is supposed to be with my spouse, but not my kid. My marriage relationship is primary. Children have a significant stake in my life, but it is almost a secondary place - if not secondary, at least no more important than the place of my spouse. My investment is not solely in my children, it is also in my marriage. How many times have we neglected the needs of our spouse with "putting the children first", "sacrificing for the children" ringing in our head?!

#2, Parents are person, not Gods. This is the founding belief of P.E.T.. It is acceptable to feel angry about our children's unacceptable behavior. It is reasonable to feel disappointed at times. It is certainly "okay" to let your children know that you are not happy with them and they will appreciate who you are as a real person. I can let my children know that I am unhappy when my rights are infringed upon and when my needs are not met. So let go our mask of being an always-happy parent now. Don't feel guilty about ourselves if we find ourselves not one.

#3, Try not to be judgmental. Vent out MY feeling as parents "I don't like this." instead of blaming our children "YOU're naughty." Most of the time, silence alone, opens the door to effective communications of all sorts.

#4, Parents are not supposed to shoulder ALL the problems children have. Let them take ownership of their issues, and guide them to arrive at a "happy" solution acceptable to the related parties. Let go our unnecessary responsibilities and regain our whole self. Parents need space. I need comfort zone.

#5, Rewards and punishment only work for infants when we parents still have power advantage. As our children grow, we are losing our power advantage and sooner or later, our authority to exercise rewards and punishment. So practise and practise and practise "conflict resolution" skills as we grow together with our children.

#6, Respect our spouse and children as we respect our guests home. Intimate relationships should be cherished, but not manipulated. This is parallel to the Chinese ancient wisdom of 相敬如賓. But how often are we keeping this in mind or trying to live up with this when we are beset with all the cruel realities around us.

#7, Respect is something "earned" from our children, but not derived from fear and isolation. Reaching a consensus or compromise does not mean losing respect from our children altogether. Hence, parents set the limit, and children exercise their freedom. All children enjoy testing parents' limit. We have to be as firm as stone once the consensus is reached.

#8, Do not get used to praising our children "good boy", "great job" when they really don't feel they have done something great. Likewise, do not stick to the habit of shaming our children "you're naughty", "you're not as good as ABC" when they have done something unacceptable in our eyes. Be specific about what WE parents think and feel. Children need clear, specific message to modify their behavior. Believe it or not, they don't like parents to be superficial.

#9, The book spent huge coverage on the technique "Active Listening". It will be much better if I could enroll in one of those P.E.T. sessions and see how the magic works. I think the key is decoding the right message, and far more important than that, listen to the needs, which means read between the lines.

#10, I never thought of the probability of being "fired" as a parent. But the book reaffirms that it is something possible. Parent-children relationship is not a given. Time to rethink what we parents want such a relationship to be like... and by that, we need to treat our partner, that is, our children, on par.

The book captures a nice quotation from Gibran in summarizing what the author believe as the utopia of parenting. From "The Prophet" it reads,

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts...
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."

I hope this will shed some lights on those who are lost in parenting from time to time, and give them energy to move on, me included.

P.S. Before putting this together, I've applied P.E.T. to my daughter Giselle, who will just cling to my laps whenever I'm working on my computer. Instead of sneaking out to write a few words every other minute as what I usually did, very open-mindedly, I told her that I needed 60 mins to work on something I really wanted to focus on, alone, without disturbance. I promised to spend the rest of the day with her after I got this done. Surprisingly, she lets me go and is now playing happily with the maid. I realize that, somehow, if you respect your children as an individual, they for sure appreciate it.

Time's up and I got to live up with my promise. :)

For more information about the book, check
http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939#noop